Spontaneous Afternoon

        Hello exhaustion my old friend. This morning did not start at all the way I had wanted, as I felt unbelievably rubbish and it feels as if my body is slowly wanting to collapse. I know that I am doing a lot, but unfortunately my body is not resting and recovering as fast as I would like, or as fast as it used to.

        Oh well, 'keep calm and carry on' as the English say, so I went into university and worked with Brianna in the lab. I had a brief understanding of what we were doing, but it was still a little confusing. The machine we were using was extremely high tech, taking sections of samples and working out the different components. I also got to use the vortexer, which spins the samples to mix them and it feels really funny on the hand!

        About an hour before I planned to head out my Uncle's friend, Nick, who gave me lifts home this week, and Neil came by to say that the School of Marine Science cook out was happening that afternoon. I was to either head to meet them later or go with them - as the machine was running Bri said there was no reason to stay, so off I headed. This made me extremely anxious, as I was going to an event for a college I am not a part of, and I only know the two people I am attending with.

        Surprisingly, I had a fabulous time! It was catered by the UMaine catering company, and there was a range of BBQ meats, salad, crisps, cheese, drinks and brownies. I had a burger (no roll), with some salad and crisps, a lovely carton of lemonade, and then I tried one of Maine's specialities... the red hotdog. I don't know its official name, but it was a hotdog that was bright red from dye! It tasted quite okay, just a little different from a normal hotdog.

        When we got there barely anyone was there, in the end there was quite a crowd, with lots of groups sitting on the grass around the food tables. Whilst I was there I sat with Nick and Neil, and eventually our group grew as other colleagues and some students joined to sit with us. I surprised myself by actually being able to talk to these people (starting some of the conversations), and not going bright red (yay me!). I got to meet one of my Uncle's students, who he has told me many a story about, and he was so genuinely lovely, mixed with very enthusiastic - not quite how I expected him to be.

        After getting home, a lot later than planned I had a more relaxed evening, talking to my Dad on skype, and then reading for a little while before dinner. I also got a package in the post, and when I opened it there was a book. I knew that I hadn't ordered anything, so thought that maybe my Aunt or Uncle had, but we both looked at each other and went "well I haven't ordered anything" (with quizzical expressions on our faces). Inside I found the cutest little note, from the cutest person! It was a birthday present from my lovely friend Hannah, and it was definitely a surprise!

        It topped of my afternoon and evening quite perfectly!

Happy Birthday!

       Yesterday was my 19th birthday, and it was extremely weird not to be celebrating it at home with my family and friends, but it did turn out to be a nice day and I will get to celebrate again when I go home! I started with the usual getting up, changed and having some breakie before heading out to university. For the afternoon I was working with Brianna, and we went to Murray Building to use the Scanning Electron Microscope - it was really cool to see how this worked, and to actually have a go at getting images of the abalone muscle, and seeing differences. I have never seen a microscope quite as big as that one, but I am sure that there are even bigger ones around the world!

        After we'd finished gathering images of the abalone samples, that was it for the day in terms of work, so I headed to my Uncles office to relax a little and eat my birthday lunch (I packed myself a cookie as a treat!). I got to skype my Mum as well which always makes things better, and have a hot chocolate to heat up, it's getting rather chilly here.

       Back from university meant a quick change, a quick skype with my Dad - another thing that makes things better - and then we headed to Dysart's for my birthday meal. There were 9 of us in total, and although the food took a little while, and I was slightly disappointed with my burger (silly onions in the melted cheese) it was really lovely! I was really anxious and nervous about having a meal, as I haven't made a massive amount of friends here, so I invited my uni friends, and my Uncle and Aunt's friends that I have got to know. Everyone got on great, and I hope everyone had a nice time, with great home cooked food, which is always a bonus in the cold weather of Autumn.
        I was so surprised when I got given such lovely presents, I wasn't expecting anyone to get me anything. I got a nice mixture of things, including jewellery, a cupcake book, candy, a scarf and the softest, snuggliest blanket!

        So overall, I had a really nice, yet tiring birthday, and I can't wait to get home and do it all over again with my family and friends!

Sunny Friday Afternoon

        Yesterday turned into a spontaneous change of plan. The original plan was meet up with Katie for lunch and then head back to the lab and run some abalone samples in a very complicated machine, with Bri. Lunch started off as planned, then Bri text and said she wouldn't be in the lab so that meant our lunch was super extended for the whole afternoon - not a bad thing on a gorgeous sunny day!

        We decided on the Harvest Moon Deli, in Orono (I'd highly recommend), and luckily for me they offered gluten free bread for their yummy sandwiches - although it was a little more expensive (but everything gluten free seems to be!). I decided on a tuna salad sandwich, and it was massive, but not quite as massive as what Katie (another one) ordered for her boyfriend - a turkey club sandwich, which had three layers of bread, turkey, bacon and a whole variety of salad in it!

        After lunch, me and Katie decided to head for the bog walk, as the weather was perfect and we had nothing to do back at the lab; it was nice just to get away from the university and the norm for a little while. I've been to the bog walk once before, the first year that I came with my family, and it was really nice to see it in a different season with the colours beginning to change.

A few snaps!

         Next we ventured to the mall, as Katie wanted to look for a few bits, and I wanted to look around as well. I didn't end up getting anything, but was so close to buying a hoodie from Aeropostale for $7.99, which I sort of regret not buying now, darn! I wasn't 100% in the store so I didn't go for it, maybe I should have took a gamble.
        Katie found some absolute crackers of a bargain in Aeropostale that she is putting in a little package for her friend. In total she saved around $40 (woah!), as things were reduced to 99p - they were pretty expensive to start though, well in my opinion, and I do think anything over 99p is expensive!

        To treat ourselves after walking what seemed a blummin marathon (the only downside of the day) we went to Katie's apartment and had some apple cider, it's non-alcoholic and to me just tasted like super strong apple juice, but it was really nice and I've been told they do a hot version in the Bear's Den which I might consider trying one chilly day soon.
        After this we headed back to the Union to meet up with one of Katie's friends at the International Coffee Hour, which is a get together for all international students on campus. It was pretty much just a jumble of students from around the world all eating free pizza (which nearly tempted me), watermelon, crisps and drinks. Everyone was in their friendship groups so I didn't get to meet many people, apart from the two we sat with who Katie knew.

        To finish off the busy day, my Uncle, Aunt and I went out for Sushi with two of their friends. I have never had sushi before and got quite anxious when the menu made no sense to me - it is so difficult having so many allergies, as you never know what could be hidden in the food. For starters my Uncle ordered me the 'sushi appetizer' which consisted of 4 little piles of rice with a different fish on each. These were definitely not to my palette; it was weird having the fish raw, and the taste was very different, and also each one had wasabi sauce on which was so hot. For my main dish I stuck to something safe, and went for Yoki Noodles (I had buckwheat) which were stir fried with chicken and mixed vegetables. This was definitely the best thing I tried all night!

My Uncle's Boat Load of Sushi

        Coming back to reality, the whole of yesterday has completely taken its toll on me, and I am struggling greatly today. This was so unfortunate, as I was hoping to go to the Common Ground Country Fair today, but I knew that there would only be a slim chance and it didn't pan out that way. So today has consisted of resting, reading and napping to build my energy to get into university next week!

Destination - Home

        I told my Uncle that my flight was officially changed, and made sure that he put it in his diary, otherwise knowing him he would completely forget and I wouldn't be catching that flight in time! It was a hard decision to make, but in one month I will back on home turf, and hopefully on a new, different road to recovery.

        Things turned out completely the opposite of how I expected, they've still been good, just in ways that I didn't expect. Other things I have found a lot harder, things that I never thought would bother me as much as they have done - I've definitely learnt more about myself, and it has made me a more well-rounded person, able to deal with new things. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to my friends - who are doing amazing things and moving forward with their lives, while I seem to be standing still - but I still go on to compare, even though the challenges I face are gravely different. I always feel like I take one step forward, then what seems to be a heck of a lot more backwards, but a quote I recently found is so true.

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it is going to launch you into something great."

        Another quote that I found recently gives a more humourous look into taking steps forwards and backwards.

        I have only told my direct family, and one friend that I am returning early - in my mind I have huge anxiety and fear around telling my other friends and family and I don't quite know why. I know that they will be extremely happy and pleased to have me back home, but I have a reoccurring fear that they will judge me for not sticking at it longer, or laugh at me as they would be able to do so much better. I truly don't know.

        I think it may be also to do with the fact that very few of them actually understand the illness I suffer, and so it is therefore hard for them to understand that I find basic things extremely difficult, and for me this has been completely out of my zone and I have done so many things I have struggled to do for years. But alas, life must go on and I will soon gain the courage needed; either that or I just turn up at their doors!

Lets Hug It Out

       I was a little startled when my Uncle knocked on my door at 11.30 last night and mumbled something about vets and cat, and comfort the dogs if they start barking. Of course, as soon as they left for the vets the dogs started howling and barking, and I had to climb out of my quilt to venture downstairs to stop them being noisy. I sat with them until they quietened down, and then snuck away to my bed again, feeling completely sleep-deprived - I think most people could predict what happened next... they started all over again. This happened twice more before I really couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and didn't want to sleep downstairs, so I headed back up at 1 o'clock and luckily they were a little less vocal, and my Uncle and Aunt got back from the vets soon after.

        To add to my disturbed night I had to get up reasonably early (well, for me) to get into university with my Uncle, so I woke up this morning looking like a zombie but none the less made my way in. When I got into the lab I told Bri about my unusual night, and we talked about a few other things and then I burst into tears, not at all being helped by the lack of sleep and my emotions running high. We decided to hug it out. I can't thank her enough for how much she does for me, and she completely understands everything I talk to her about, and always knows a way to make me feel better, even if I make her cry first by crying myself.
        I just find everything such a shame that things didn't turn out how I expected - but maybe that is for the better, and as my Mum and Dad say "everything happens for a reason". Lets just hope that there is a good reason behind this! All we have to do is stay positive and be who you are.

       On a more positive note (and keeping the positivity going) I had a better day from then on. We started by trying to work out what was wrong with a very large, and very expensive piece of equipment in the lab. They've had trouble with this machine for nearly two years, and today the problem was cracked, although it came with a $400+ bill for new parts!
        For lunch I headed over to the Bear's Den for a hot chocolate (the weather's getting a little on the chilly side), and sat reading quietly as Bri had a lunch meeting to attend. The Bear's Den is incredibly quaint, with window booths, and arm chairs glowing in autumn colours from lamp shades. The food looks really nice too, although I am not lucky enough to of tried any yet. It's a little quieter than the Union, which is always good for me as a loud environment is very exhausting and draining.

        Heading back to the lab I was meant to be meeting with another PhD student to help with her lobster project. In the end she didn't need my help, which was quite fortunate as she had a stinking cold. Although it would have been nice to work on a project which is trying to use the colouring of a lobsters shell to create food colourings and antioxidants.

        At 3 o'clock we headed on out to the Food Science Club cook out. Although it was cold and threatening to rain there was a really cheery atmosphere, lots of good food and lovely people. I surprised myself by being able to talk to new people without going tomato red, but it definitely helped knowing that Bri and Katie were there. It was a really pleasant way to end the day.

Mail for Melanie

        On Thursday when I came home early there was a FedEx envelope waiting for me on the doorstep, and I hadn't a clue what it was and why it was for me. Unfortunately, it was a letter telling me that my care package from my parents was stuck in customs and that they could not get hold of me - they hadn't actually tried to ring me. I knew that my parcel was stuck as my parents had got an email with customs forms attached that needed to be filled in, before the parcel could be finally sent up to me. We rang them and spoke to the man who had sent me the letter, and he sent us more forms to be filled in, which is a pain, but he was able to delay the parcel being sent back! Which will hopefully give us that little extra time to find out all the information we need and actually keep the parcel in America.
        This wasn't exactly how we had planned it, as sending the parcel seemed quite simple, but sadly they think they we are going to be selling the items in it - which is complete rubbish, why would I want to sell my new glasses and contact lenses?! They didn't understand that it was for personal use, but I accept that they have their jobs to do and don't mean to make a fuss of everything.

        I also had another envelope sitting on the side, this time a hand written one - as soon as I saw it I knew exactly who it was from and felt a happiness inside of me. I haven't seen Hannah since she left for Camp America in June and that is probably the longest time I haven't seen her for! I wasn't sure whether to open the card or not, as it could be a birthday card. I opened it anyway, and it wasn't at all a birthday card, but a gorgeous card with a lovely essay saying how proud she is of me, how brave I am and that I can overcome anything in my path.
        She also included two Bible verses which I can always relate to and always make me feel so incredibly loved by God and my family and friends. Having a friend like her is so so important to me, and I can't thank her enough for always being there for me.

Why does the truth have to hurt?

        These last two months haven't exactly been a walk in the park. My body has deteriorated so drastically, but I kept telling myself "you will get better; your body will cope soon; you'll feel less exhausted tomorrow" - when wholeheartedly I knew that this wasn't the truth, I just didn't want to be honest with myself and accept the fact that I'm hurting my body so much.

       Being out of your own comfort zone is always extremely difficult, let alone for someone like myself who is trying to manage a chronic illness as well. I had to express the truth to those closest, as much as I knew it was going to hurt and in my mind it wasn't how I wanted things to turn out. In my eyes telling the truth was showing weakness, and showing weakness allows for you to be judged - it all relates to my illness, which I hate to show to anyone apart from my parents and sister. My parents knew I was struggling, I just didn't have the strength and courage to tell my Uncle and Aunt; so with the help of my parents we told my Uncle that I was dramatically struggling and just wasn't showing it to them and we needed a new plan.

        We decided the best course of action was to try to change my flight (hopefully to early October), so I could return home and go back to a somewhat normal routine to see if I can actually recover from this illness. This was never what I intended to happen, in my mind I had great expectations of what my time spent here would be like - maybe I expected too much of myself, I always seem to forget my limitations hoping they won't creep up on me like they always seem to. I wanted to find my own 'American Dream' and stay until the end of November, celebrating Thanksgiving, and spending this time discovering new parts of Maine, making new friends, and having an overall amazing time. I have had some truly amazing times, but times have been overshadowed by my illness - it's like looking at two seperate girls: the first girl wanting to learn and experience everything new, whilst slowly building confidence and skills; then the second girl whose battling a pain-in-the-bum illness, not being able to do everything she wants.

        I've grown considerably whilst living out here, and have smashed some achievements out of the park. I am brave and I am strong, and I will not give up on my American Dream - maybe one day I will return and things will turn out how I intended them, or maybe I will find another path that leads to my route in life.

"There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk."

- Guy Graviel Key

Happy Hallo... wait it's not even October!

        Driving along the quiet tree-lined roads of Bucksport, Maine yesterday I came across a house completely decorated, from top to toe with halloween decorations - spiders webs, spooky faces, bats, pumpkins and banners. It's not quite the middle of September yet, but over here it appears this is time to start getting ready for annual trick or treaters. This was a complete surprise to me, as in England people start decorating (very minimally, or nothing at all) maybe a few days before!

        Bucksport was so beautiful, with the road trailing the Penobscot River and railway there were some gorgeous views - I wish I'd taken my camera, although I didn't know I was going there, as my Uncle said we were going to get some fish.. which we did! I just didn't think the journey would be in such a lovely location. The only downer was not feeling 100% on the journey, and today that has come out and I came home early... but back to yesterday.

        When we got to University, I had no work in the Food Science lab (major change of plans to do with lobsters), so I offered my services to my Uncle's lab, they accepted and to my surprise my job was to remove the fins of frozen fish, trace around them, make a little jacket for the fish and trace that. Then cut the poor blighter open and find his tag. Definitely one of the freakiest things I have ever done - but congratulations to me, I did it, although it was the weirdest slimey feeling, even through gloves!

        Once I'd finished in the lab, I met up with Bri and we headed back to hers for our re-re-(re?)-scheduled movie night. Her house was so cute, and she had two extremely friendly and laid back Great Danes - Lucy and Willow - who just love to spread over you on the sofa. Our little pre-dinner snack was something neither of us had tried, but we both actually enjoyed; Beanitos, they were basically crisps made from black beans, flavoured with sea salt. A great treat for someone who is gluten free like me! For dinner Bri cooked chicken in a fig balsamic dressing, with mashed sweet potatoes, and fresh broccoli - safe to say it was a winner. Then we got comfy for the movie - The Hobbit - and it was so good, I've never watched the Lord of the Rings so didn't quite know what to expect, but it was amazing, and I am so looking forward to seeing the next two!

        After that detour, I'll return to today. I was meant to be helping in the Aquaculture Lab again today, and I was all set up ready to start with the fishies, when I came over super sick and faint - surprisingly it wasn't the fish, as I hadn't got them out yet; maybe it's a bug. I packed all my bits away, left a note and text my Uncle, and went to find Bri, who was kind enough to bring me home. Since then I've slept on and off, against the sound of the thunder storm. Hopefully I'll start to feel better soon!

To Do: Relax and Recuperate

        This week I'm not able to get into University as much as I have been, so I'm having a few days to relax and rebuild my energy. Having chronic fatigue syndrome can extremely limit the things that I can do, and even though I push my self and keep going I finally get to the point where I can go no longer - I am definitely at that point right now! Having yesterday and today to rest has been good, and I've just been having cheeky cat naps and letting my body recuperate.
        My plan for the rest of the week is pretty basic too, with a few trips into university (possibly); so hopefully this will allow my body to gain some much needed energy. The only thing about spending time at home, resting and doing as little as possible, is that it allows my brain to take over and focus on things that don't matter or that I don't want to think about - mainly missing my family and friends! So I have made a little list of a few activities I have used to keep my self occupied, but that don't over exert myself:

1. Napping! This one is pretty self explanatory.

2. Skyping - Chatting to my parents and sister is so lovely and always make me really happy. Getting to hear everything that is going on and even just getting to see their faces makes me feel better (even though I miss them to the moon and back).

3. Catching up on my favourite TV programmes - Sitting in my pj's wrapped in my Snoopy blanket watching some tele is always a winner. Recently, I've been catching up on The Great British Bake Off (which I can't get on American tele) and I absolutely love it. I can't wait to try and make some of those recipes when I get home! My other two faves at the minute are Hart of Dixie and Pretty Little Liars - these have already aired over here so I'm doing a catch up so I'm ready for the new seasons!

4. Cross Stitch - My Uncle and Aunt suggested getting some type of craft to keep me busy. I got the cutest little cross stitch, and although I have to do it in moderation (small, fine work can really exhaust me physically and mentally) it's great fun and it will look super when it's finished.

5. Last, but not least reading! Getting lost in a book is great fun, and sometimes it sucks to come back to reality, but it has to be done.

"If at first you don't succeed, then try, try and try again."

        - Definitely the quote of today's baking adventures!

        Conquering a gluten-free and allergy suitable cupcake and muffin recipe is most definitely a challenge. With the help of two super lovely friends (one baker, and one taste tester) we started with a trip to the Natural Living Centre, where I spent a whopping $20 on only 4 flours - nearly gave myself a heart attack!

        We began with a vanilla, lemon cupcake, which with an extremely gritty consistency before cooking came out reasonably well; although the shape didn't really change much from how we scooped it into the cases, woops.

        Our second choice of baked goods were quinoa banana muffins, and oh my, these were delicious. Quinoa flour, with mashed banana, grated apple and raisins tasted amazing - these would be great as a breakfast muffin, as well as a snack and pudding! I took a cheeky snap of this recipe, so I can make these for my family when I get home, who will hopefully like them as much as I do.

        The disaster of the day was our second attempt at lemon cupcakes - we thought we would adapt the recipe slightly to see if we could made the texture and rise a little better. I don't quite know what we did, but they decided to rise - making us hopeful - and then collapse to make giant craters. They looked a little like Yorkshire puddings, according to Leanne! Surprisingly they still tasted great, and even more lemony than the first batch... they just stuck a lot more and looked completely tragic.

       We made a quick last minute decision to make chocolate cupcakes whilst I waited for Uncle Ian to pick me up, and this was by far a good choice!  All four of us sat staring at the oven and the timer for 18 minutes, waiting for the chocolatey goodness to be done, and then forced ourselves to wait a smidgen longer until one cooled enough for us to taste. Bingo! These were the perfect chocolately cupcakes.

A quick snap of 3 of our attempts (including the dodgey ones!)

All of the recipes were (adapted) either from 'Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World' or 'The Whole Life Nutrition Cookbook'

What a Pickle of a Day

"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle."
      - Christian D. Larson

       Tonight was going to be my movie night with my friend Bri, which we'd planned for about a week, but unfortunately she's come down sick and so we are rescheduling for next week - such a shame, but next week is perfect! This meant that she wasn't in the lab today, so I turned up to work and the lights were off in the lab and so I waited a little while incase she was late or had gone for a morning swim. I then checked my emails and right there was an email telling me that she couldn't make work or our night - I completely freaked out as I knew I would have to attempt the chemistry lab demo experiment on my own, as it needs to be prepared by tomorrow and we hadn't quite perfected it yet.

        After completely panicking and calling my mum crying in the toilets (not my finest moment), we talked everything through and I plucked up the courage to go and see the lovely lady who I am doing this for and ask her if she still wanted me to continue; she told me that it was up to myself. I decided I would give it my best shot, and with instructions from Bri to help me along I tried my best and guess what, it worked! I completed the experiment all by myself and the results turned out the way we needed them to, meaning it can be used as a demonstration in her lecture!

        I really should listen to my family who say that I can do things if I just believe in myself - I even have it engraved on my bracelet! For me this was such an incredible achievement, not only did I do the experiment myself, I went to speak with the boss - out of choice - and met an undergraduate student who I'll be in the same food chemistry class as.

        Although there are some stressful and anxious situations going on right now, there is some light glimmering in the dark; every cloud really does have a silver lining.

Labor Day Weekend

         Finishing early on Friday was a great way to start the long weekend - having nothing major planned for the weekend, we relaxed on the Friday evening and had moussaka (a new dish for me to try) for dinner. Safe to say I loved it and had seconds!

         Saturday also turned into a day for relaxing and recuperating - having a lovely lavender bath, carrying on with my cross stitch (it has the cutest design on it!) and just chilling until the evening. Our plans had completely changed from movies and sushi out with friends, to them coming over for a Chinese takeaway - we had a whole dog situation going on. We ordered a delightful take away, which came with a cute little thank you box with fortune cookies in. Using chopsticks wasn't really my thing, and I quickly reverted back to cutlery... I couldn't eat my rice one grain at a time. My Uncle found some raspberry sorbet from Hannafords, so for dessert we delved into this and the others had some s'mores ice cream as well, along with freshly picked blackberries.
          Saturday night was quite the opposite to the relaxing nature of the day. With a storm brewing over head, I was struggling to sleep anyway, and then with my mind racing about all the things that are making me anxious and homesick made for quite the disastrous mix. I started talking to my mum and then boom the internet got frazzled and I went into a state of panic, as all I wanted to do was talk to my mum about everything going on. To add into the mix I had to get up early on the Sunday, which when you know you have to get up, your body never seems to want to sleep, even though you do!

        Yesterday we got up bright and early to travel down to Portland for a reptile show. One detour and 2 hours later we got there, and went to see our friends who had a table at the show. Reptiles really aren't my thing, but I made the most of looking around at the animals, but kept a decent distance incase they jumped at me (which they didn't).
       After spending a little time at the show, we left to grab some lunch at a Portland restaurant called Silly's - we had some great food and a great time, and I would recommend it to anyone visiting Maine (especially if you are veggie, they have lots to accommodate everyone).
        Our last two stops before we left for home were Trader Joe's and Whole Foods, to have a looky see at some gluten free foods, and to pick up some general shopping. Our cheeky purchases included, cookies, tea and lemonade, sheep's cheese, kelp pasta, dried seaweed, sheep's yogurt, cinnamon and raisin bread and more that I can't remember.

        Happy Labor Day! I'm not doing anything to celebrate, but I'm glad we aren't having a bbq as we would be snorkelling in this crazy rain storm. So instead I'm relaxing and rebuilding my energy for going back to work tomorrow, with all the campus no doubt being extremely full and crazily busy!